TinyStepper

The Hug Menu

At a glance: Teach your toddler different types of hugs — bear hug, butterfly hug, side squeeze — so they learn to ask for and offer physical comfort. A 10-minute, low-energy indoor activity for ages 12m–4y. No prep needed.

Built by a parent of toddlersBest for 12m-4y

Field-tested ideas shaped by direct parenting experience and advice from reputable sources, including NHS Best Start in Life and NSPCC child development research.

12m–4y10 minslow energyindoornone messNo prep

Physical affection is one of the most powerful co-regulation tools available, but toddlers often do not know how to ask for comfort or how to offer it appropriately. This activity introduces a 'menu' of different hugs, each with a name and a specific physical form. By practising these together, your child learns that seeking comfort is a positive action, that there are gentle ways to make physical contact, and that they can communicate what kind of comfort they need. The butterfly hug (crossing arms over chest and tapping alternate shoulders) is also a recognised self-soothing technique used in child therapy.

Best for this moment

for calmer, lower-pressure moments, especially when you need an indoor option.

Parent tip

Start before you overthink it. No-prep activities work best when you begin while the moment is still recoverable.

What success looks like

A good outcome is a few minutes of engaged play, some back-and-forth with you, and a small sign of progress in body awareness.

More help for this situation

Instructions

Get ready
  • Sit facing your child and say: 'Did you know there are LOTS of different kinds of hugs? Let me show you!'
  • Start with the bear hug — a big, strong squeeze. Say: 'This is a BEAR hug! Grrr!' Hold for five seconds.
  1. Sit facing your child and say: 'Did you know there are LOTS of different kinds of hugs? Let me show you!'
  2. Start with the bear hug — a big, strong squeeze. Say: 'This is a BEAR hug! Grrr!' Hold for five seconds.
  3. Show the butterfly hug — cross arms over your chest and tap your shoulders gently with your fingertips. Say: 'This is one you can give YOURSELF when you need a cuddle!'
  4. Try the side squeeze — sit side by side and squeeze gently with one arm. Say: 'This is a side squeeze — good for when we're sitting together.'
  5. Introduce the gentle pat — a soft pat on the back. Say: 'This is how we comfort someone who feels sad.'
  6. Ask: 'Which hug is your favourite? Show me!' Let your child choose and give you their preferred hug.
  7. Practise the butterfly hug together three times, slowly. Say: 'This one is special because you can do it any time, even if I'm not right here.'
  8. Say: 'Any time you want a hug, you can tell me which one. Bear, butterfly, side squeeze, or gentle pat. You just have to ask.'

Why it helps

Physical touch activates the release of oxytocin, the hormone associated with bonding and calm. The butterfly hug specifically has been validated in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapy as a bilateral stimulation technique that reduces physiological arousal. By teaching multiple types of hug, you also build body autonomy — your child learns that they have choices about how they are touched and how they touch others, which is a foundational safeguarding concept.

Variations

  • Draw simple pictures of each hug type and stick them on the wall as a visual 'hug menu' your child can point to.
  • Add new hugs over time — the rocket hug (squeeze and lift), the penguin waddle hug (hug while walking sideways together).
  • Practise offering hugs to siblings or friends: 'Would you like a bear hug or a side squeeze?' — this teaches consent and choice.

Safety tips

  • Always model gentle pressure — toddlers may squeeze too hard when excited, so guide their arms with your hands at first.
  • Teach that hugs require permission: 'We always ask before we hug someone. Not everyone wants a hug right now, and that's okay.'
  • If your child is touch-averse, respect this and focus on the butterfly self-hug rather than interpersonal hugs.

When to pause and seek extra support

Stop if your child becomes distressed, unsafe, or consistently frustrated by the activity. If play, behaviour, or development worries keep showing up across settings, check in with a qualified professional.

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